April 27

I'm getting a bit fatter that is because of the junk food and I'm depress. Its like I am forcing my self to eat or I'll just wont eat at all but at the same time I can only eat sugar nothing else would settle. I want to exceirse and look good for Collin but I don't usually have time. I have to bounce between school, work, sketchbook, homework, and dates with Collin. I rather have a date with Collin and spend all my time with him then exceirse.

You know what....I really miss the night sky... Collin and I date hours had been cut in half. I get to see him for 4 hours but the time that the driving takes up. It is slowly getting less at each date. I only got the last date longer because I try to keep his mind off leaving by attacking him with kisses. T.T does he really want to leave me so badly. Am I making him bored? I know he has to leave for dinner and his 90x thing but can't he just leave later? Can't he just eat dinner later and skip 90x so we can just see the stars again? I know this is a selfish request... that is why I am never going to request it. The last last date, I try to make the time I spend with him longer so I started untying his shoes. It gave me a couple more minutes with him but thats it. I want more time with him, again. But, again this is a selfish request so I'm not going to say anything about it to him.

April 27

Days like these, I feel alone, because I realize how truely alone I am.
People dodged or ignored me when I try to talk ,or they ram me in the hall so hard they leave bruises on my body. My english teacher started acting mean to me; she didn't say anything but glared at me. I did nothing wrong, in fact I asked if she needed any help because she was juggling things in her arms. Beginning of english, we had to pair up to go over answers...I knew no one, so I had to find a group to pair up with. When I tried to ask how they got that answer (or even try to talk to them), they ignored my existence except one girl.
Spanish...Well, EVERYONE ignores my existence daily as the guys around me talk shit about other girls. They all think I'm ugly, but thats CHS for ya. Mostly all the girls are beautiful ,so the scale for beauty is more higher. I'm like a 4 or 3 on their scale. I don't really make guy's eyes turn when I walk or anything. I am a no body. They acted even meaner when I started not wearing glasses and started wearing the leather jacket. They have NO reason to hate me, in fact I'm nice all the damn time!
Art class, I'm mostly alone ,and I know everyone in there ,but they never talk to me except Jay and Jeremy but she wasn't here today and Jeremy was reading his book. I tried to make friends with the other girls but they just glared and ignore me. Chemestry, I know only a couple of people. That was the only class I could get a couple words in but that it.
I felt like crying right when I got home. I feel alone. My depressing thoughts started coming back and stronger then ever. I just want my life to end already. I hate being alone.
God. Haven't you toture me enough with 10 years of loneliness? You already ruin my childhood growing up with loneliness starting since I was 2 won't you just stop it!
My sucidal thoughts keeps getting stronger and I already over my mood changes for the period thing. It sorta scares me that they are getting stronger. I want to text Collin and make him to come over. He probably would if I made him but he probably would start getting distanted from me thinking I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm lonely.
GAH! I'm panthic! I shouldn't want his hug after one day past. But he is the only one who would make me smile whenever he just looked at me. He doesn't know this.

April 26

 Boo and I ended long ago but I am the happiest I ever been. I met Collin, my cupcake. No secrets, no lies, no holding back my lovey side, no thinking 'What if he doesn't love me'. He shows me time and times again that he loves me. He smiles so bright at me and sometimes he hugs me like he is scared if he lets go that I won't be there.
  He told me about his painful past and he burst out crying too. I wrapped my arms around him letting him know I'm here and its okay to cry in front of him.
  He hate his feet because he has web toes. But I think its cute but that is because I think all his little faults are cute.
I hugged attacked him with kisses. I figured out he wanted to kiss me more if I teased his lips and stopped kissing him. He knows I was teasing him because I smirk at him. He became awesome at kissing as result I started to moan in his kisses. He figured out that I like getting dominated, for I told him. I am just like a puppy, his akachan puppy.
We are cheesy all the time. I'm so happy!
What makes me truely happy that no guy ever did for me... he opened his arms and let me in his life. He showed me off to his friends and family. He invited me to the food places that he was going to meet up with his friends. I got to go to his birthday party. He even said when he turn 24 he doesn't mind if I lived with him. He invited me to a comedine thing he got tickets for. Those future plans ease my worry heart and it shows he truely loves me with all his heart that he wants me in his life.
Collin wants to protect me with his own free will from the truly harmful reality of life. He would risk many things for me.
He said I brought back his real smile... I know that is true. And I intend to keep a smile on his face for I love him.
He says trust him. But I already do because I already intrusted my heart to him and I intrust everything I could intrust to him. Although it doesn't mean I can't agrue about it.
I love he and he loves I. I can't wait for our future together. I can't want for the time I finally get to wake up by him every morning.