May 7

I feel alone; I'm falling into depression right now. I don't know what is happening. My first period who use to like me, hates me. She fucking kicked my desk like a child with a attutide problem. And she watched me all through class. And everyone is fucking ignoring me like I'm not there. I try to take to people but they don't even look at me when I talk to them. I'm not the type to turn eyes. Is it because my accent I have in my voice? I hate it. I hate my fucking voice, it is annoying and childish. I hate it. I can't pronounce some words right. It isn't my fault I got stuck with it. I hate it! I'm not sure if I'm ugly in the face because I think my face is cute and some what pretty. But I don't like my nose.
I don't know why people are ignoring me, I don't know what I did.
I wish I could have collin here so I could hug him. It would make everything feel better. If I told him this, he would think I'm a idiot or something. Nothing really changed I think. I still worry that Collin will get sick of me and just dump me. I don't think he will however I still have the little thought that says he might.

May 6

Okay, Collin told me that he didn't mean about PDA (public display of affection). But for him to even talked about it before, it must means he was thinking about it before.. right? He never replied back.
Bastard. sIgH~
But I am happy. :) I got to see him ALOT longer then I usually do. I'm very happy about it.  I tried to cheer him up, I try to make it fun at the skating ring but nothing worked. I fell down first , so he wouldnt get all upset if he fell down first. He never helped me up once, he just kept skating. I tried to show skating can be fun but he never smiled with the skates on as much as I tried to make him smile. I hugged him, kiss him, try to make him laugh, I kept trying to make it fun for him but he didn't smile. At the square, I talked alot because he wouldn't talk or smile much. I had no idea what I talked about. I tried to make him smile, I try to act goofy, affection and talkative. I actually only talked and acted more hyper to make his smile but it all fail. Eventually he got sick of me getting all affective, he said ,summary, to stop it. It sorta hurt to hear him say that. All I try to do to make him smile, I felt depressed. I couldn't make him smile as much as I tried. So when he said to stop... I stopped... atleast I tried.
After the movie that sorta hurt... We were holding hands and all happy. Then he made me let go. and he continue waking with a gap between us. It felt like I was getting punished. I didn't know what I did wrong. All I wanted to get him to do is have a fun time with me.
At the skating ring, I asked is he misarable at the skating ring and he said yes. I almost said 'even with me here?'. But I already knew  that would be a 'yes'.
Now I feel like just saying, if you are tired.. Just don't with the date... you will just be misable the whole time. It didn't seem like he miss me. He texted me way before that he wish I was in his arms or he miss me kissing him, however he never hugged me really, or kiss me. Am I the only one who missed him?

May 5 2012

Collin was miserable at the skating ring. He kept looking at the phone in hope time would go faster. Didn't he miss me? Even at the fair where couples held hands left and right. He kept trying to make me let go of his hand. Eventually I did.
He finally got onto me about public affection, for some reason it hurt hearing it. I guess it is because I'm a very affection person. I tried to respect his bonderies and I never touched his hand or kiss his shoulder or cheek, however I never could smile. I had to keep my hands busy or they would grab his or hug him.
Gah! I am just like a puppy! If I don't get any love, I feel abandon...it sound stupid...but it is true. I told him I love him twice at the skating ring in a quiet voice but he never replied. It hurts.......
He cares too much about what people think. For me, I don't give a crap what other people thinks; I love Collin and I am going to show everyone who I love and what is mine. But...hearing him mostly just saying stop showing open affection in public; it mostly felt like he was saying 'I am embarass of you'.
I tried hard not to touch him, after that. I did pretty well... I wanted to cry, he felt so distant and emotional distant. It scared me. I don't want to lose him. But then he held my hand at the movies, I felt so happy, he was showing open affection. Was it for me? Did he realize I felt like crying? I felt happy. Then... We got out of the movies and he let go of my hand. I didn't grab it again or anything. He later told me in the truck the movie was not a public affention because that is what everyone does in the movies so it doesn't count as public affention. Then, I started wanting to cry. He didn't realize I wanted to cry before the movie. He did not show public affention to show he didn't care what other people think. He was still embarrass of me.
He keeps saying p90x, eat better, and less junk food. Does he think I'm fat? Does he want me start a p90x so I look better for him. Am I really that ugly that I make him embarrass? I always try to look pretty for him. Doesn't he realize that? I know I am not very pretty but I am trying.
I worry about him and everything but he doesn't worry about me at all. I fell on my ass so many times, and none of the times, he never attempt to help me up or ask if I am okay. I told about my back is hurting, but he never asked if I am okay or anything. I worry about him and everything! because I care for him and I don't want him to be hurt. If he fell, I would help him up and ask if he is okay. If his back hurt, then I tell him no to work too hard and I rub his neck.
Austin fucking felt me out right in front of him, but he didn't care to notice. Ummmm..... HELLO!? Brown hair, tall and very affention, he is my type in plain view, and Collin knows that! Austin asked me out before , and I said not but I was planning to ask him out before ever met collin before.
But Austin hugged me really tight so my boobs would be press against him and he breath in deeply. He does that to any other girls. Guys do that to girls they really like.Too tired to type right now. Body is aching