May 5 2012

Collin was miserable at the skating ring. He kept looking at the phone in hope time would go faster. Didn't he miss me? Even at the fair where couples held hands left and right. He kept trying to make me let go of his hand. Eventually I did.
He finally got onto me about public affection, for some reason it hurt hearing it. I guess it is because I'm a very affection person. I tried to respect his bonderies and I never touched his hand or kiss his shoulder or cheek, however I never could smile. I had to keep my hands busy or they would grab his or hug him.
Gah! I am just like a puppy! If I don't get any love, I feel abandon...it sound stupid...but it is true. I told him I love him twice at the skating ring in a quiet voice but he never replied. It hurts.......
He cares too much about what people think. For me, I don't give a crap what other people thinks; I love Collin and I am going to show everyone who I love and what is mine. But...hearing him mostly just saying stop showing open affection in public; it mostly felt like he was saying 'I am embarass of you'.
I tried hard not to touch him, after that. I did pretty well... I wanted to cry, he felt so distant and emotional distant. It scared me. I don't want to lose him. But then he held my hand at the movies, I felt so happy, he was showing open affection. Was it for me? Did he realize I felt like crying? I felt happy. Then... We got out of the movies and he let go of my hand. I didn't grab it again or anything. He later told me in the truck the movie was not a public affention because that is what everyone does in the movies so it doesn't count as public affention. Then, I started wanting to cry. He didn't realize I wanted to cry before the movie. He did not show public affention to show he didn't care what other people think. He was still embarrass of me.
He keeps saying p90x, eat better, and less junk food. Does he think I'm fat? Does he want me start a p90x so I look better for him. Am I really that ugly that I make him embarrass? I always try to look pretty for him. Doesn't he realize that? I know I am not very pretty but I am trying.
I worry about him and everything but he doesn't worry about me at all. I fell on my ass so many times, and none of the times, he never attempt to help me up or ask if I am okay. I told about my back is hurting, but he never asked if I am okay or anything. I worry about him and everything! because I care for him and I don't want him to be hurt. If he fell, I would help him up and ask if he is okay. If his back hurt, then I tell him no to work too hard and I rub his neck.
Austin fucking felt me out right in front of him, but he didn't care to notice. Ummmm..... HELLO!? Brown hair, tall and very affention, he is my type in plain view, and Collin knows that! Austin asked me out before , and I said not but I was planning to ask him out before ever met collin before.
But Austin hugged me really tight so my boobs would be press against him and he breath in deeply. He does that to any other girls. Guys do that to girls they really like.Too tired to type right now. Body is aching