July 5

Everytime I make Collin eat something that wasn't on his healthy menu, he gets fruistrated and angry; he frowns and snaps at me alot more. I end up talking alot with him; I don't think he is listening to most of the stuff (heck, I don't even know what I am saying). Its always abs this and abs that with him (I really don't mind) but it makes me feel fat. I gained 4 pounds because there is alot of my favorite junk for at my house. Now, I starting to lose most my hunger when I see my body in the mirror. I don't want to do p90x at all, I mean I just don't.
I realize I started being more snappy with him because he decided to blow my senior pictures plans out of the water to go to Pickwick with his friends.
 'one hour with you or a whole weekend of fun with my friends' (Collin stated)
That phrase kept running through my mind and hurts me each time. He and his friends keep bringing up Pickwick. Damnit, I don't want to here about! I don't want to get reminded about how Collin shoved our plans like it was nothing.
I freakin schedule the senior pictures so he could come!
I think he've been sucking up sorta. It have been making me happy and less likely to cry about Senior Pictures.
'Do you want me to go? I will if you want me to.' (Collin stated)
I said yes but also added he would regret it. He would regret being there with me instead of his friends. I really want him there...but he would frown the whole time and be in a bad mood. I know he would never say that he was happy that he choose the hour with me then spending a whole weekend with his friends; that thought makes me cry each time.
Its not that I am saying choose me or his friends thing. I woot for him to see his friends but it hurts that he kicked my plans out the door ,even how important it is to me, and placed new plans right in its place.
I want him to be there but I want him to be there happily.

:( Is he getting bored of me. I mean... I wanted to see the fireworks on July 3 with only Collin. Then, he invited his friends, I don't mind really;however, the fireworks was suppose to be a romantic thing I wanted to do with him and me. He complained the whole time 'I'm tired', 'Is there anything to do', and 'it's hot' ; when he was with his friends, he didn't complain once. :(  He didn't smile so much with me as he did with them. I mean... do I make him that misable.....

I had an another attempt to have a romantic fireworks but his parents invited us to see them on top the hospital roof tops. He looked at me like he wanted to; I knew if I didn't say yes... he would complain instead enjoy the time with me.
...When we were some what alone in the back of the truck, he didn't smile at me alot. He texted on his phone. I let him see everything I text but he hids his texts from my view. Is his friends insulting me, is he talking bad about me, is he trying to hide stuff he planning to going to do, or is he flirting with someone? It gets my confidence lower. Yes, the girl who says 'because I am cute' have low confidence. I always do. Collin, always hint that he wants me to try p90x; each time, it feels like he is saying 'your fat'.

I am extremely happy that he is showing me public affection. He started doing it more since my Birthday. He started not shoving me alway,scooting away or removing his arms around me when he hear his parents coming up the stairs. :) It makes me happy.
On my Birthday, I wanted to wish that Collin would show up at the senior pictures where going to take place....but I decided... I wanted to make sure that wish that Collin wished for on dandylions would come true. I already wished it on many things already; I just wanted it to come true.
He made me extremely happy when he showed up after work and rode a bike all the way to the fireworks with me. I ended up buying him a gift, a hat that sparkles.. He threw it to the side. He only wore it and liked it because I threatened him with bunny ears and his friends liked it.
He made me extremely happy that he kept his promises. It made me so happy. Tell you the truth, if he didn't do the promises, it would have hurt me more deeply and make it harder to trust him.
He made me really happy when he kiss my burned spot on my finger. He made me really happy when he bought me a pillow with a puppy on it. He made me really happy when he cuddle with me on the swinging bench at the cabin infront of my family. He made me happy when he hug me a long time while saying goodbye and held the hug out a very long time because he liked me in his arms when he is tired. He made me happy when he held the goodbye kiss a very long time. He made me really happy when he send me cute little puppy pictures because he saw it and thought of me. He made me happy when he sung and danced slightly with me in his arms. He made me really happy when he says I love you more. He made me really happy when he gives me hugs. He makes me really happy when I try to move softly out of his arms and I can't because he hold me so tight. He makes me really happy when he rubs my leg in his truck and smiles at me while he drives. He made me happy when he tells me stay close to him because he doesn't want guys hitting on me or anything bad happening to me. He makes me really happy when he wraps his arms around me and his legs saying 'mine'. He makes me really happy when he wraps his arms around me. He makes me happy I get to feed him food. He makes me really happy when he calls me cute. He makes me really happy when he adds 'ever and ever'. He makes me happy when he lets me sit between is legs or in his lap. He makes me happy when he rubs my back slightly. He makes me when he let me use his shoulder to sleep on. He makes me very happy when he rest his chin or head on or against my head. He makes me very happy when he cuddle with me. He makes me happy when he sits by me. He makes me really happy when I am on my phone and he sits next to middle of a work out to see what I am doing. He makes me really happy when he says 'I love you'. He made me really happy when he drove all the way to nannies to mostly just to meet her. He makes me really happy when we stop by a park and to look up at the stars. He made me really happy when he skip his work out because he wanted more time with me. He made me really happy when I wasn't feeling well and came up from behind me and cuddle me. He made really happy, when I sighed about not eating the blue totsie lolipop, he took it, unwrapped it and put it in his mouth and hand it back to me so I could taste it to. He made me really happy when he got kroger to sell pretzel bread in the bakery. He made me really happy when he surprised me with pink fuzzy handcuffs. He made me very happy when I accidentally puked on his cock, he, instead looking at me grossed out, acted like it wasn't a big deal and cuddled me and asked if I'm okay. He made me very happy when he took me out skating even though he hated skating. He made me happy when he asked/hinted that he wanted to meet my mom. He makes me happy when he falls asleep with me by his side at the park. He makes me happy when he says he had a dream about me. He made me very happy when he told me about his past. He made me very happy when he found a four-leaf clover for me and gave it to me. He makes me very happy when he calls me a puppy. He made me extremely happy when he ate my broken apart, old cookies. He makes me extremely happy when he eats my food and says its really good.He made me really happy when he said my glasses looked cute. He made me really happy when he said 'I always think about you'.
He makes me extremely happy when he smiles at me.

May 7

I feel alone; I'm falling into depression right now. I don't know what is happening. My first period who use to like me, hates me. She fucking kicked my desk like a child with a attutide problem. And she watched me all through class. And everyone is fucking ignoring me like I'm not there. I try to take to people but they don't even look at me when I talk to them. I'm not the type to turn eyes. Is it because my accent I have in my voice? I hate it. I hate my fucking voice, it is annoying and childish. I hate it. I can't pronounce some words right. It isn't my fault I got stuck with it. I hate it! I'm not sure if I'm ugly in the face because I think my face is cute and some what pretty. But I don't like my nose.
I don't know why people are ignoring me, I don't know what I did.
I wish I could have collin here so I could hug him. It would make everything feel better. If I told him this, he would think I'm a idiot or something. Nothing really changed I think. I still worry that Collin will get sick of me and just dump me. I don't think he will however I still have the little thought that says he might.

May 6

Okay, Collin told me that he didn't mean about PDA (public display of affection). But for him to even talked about it before, it must means he was thinking about it before.. right? He never replied back.
Bastard. sIgH~
But I am happy. :) I got to see him ALOT longer then I usually do. I'm very happy about it.  I tried to cheer him up, I try to make it fun at the skating ring but nothing worked. I fell down first , so he wouldnt get all upset if he fell down first. He never helped me up once, he just kept skating. I tried to show skating can be fun but he never smiled with the skates on as much as I tried to make him smile. I hugged him, kiss him, try to make him laugh, I kept trying to make it fun for him but he didn't smile. At the square, I talked alot because he wouldn't talk or smile much. I had no idea what I talked about. I tried to make him smile, I try to act goofy, affection and talkative. I actually only talked and acted more hyper to make his smile but it all fail. Eventually he got sick of me getting all affective, he said ,summary, to stop it. It sorta hurt to hear him say that. All I try to do to make him smile, I felt depressed. I couldn't make him smile as much as I tried. So when he said to stop... I stopped... atleast I tried.
After the movie that sorta hurt... We were holding hands and all happy. Then he made me let go. and he continue waking with a gap between us. It felt like I was getting punished. I didn't know what I did wrong. All I wanted to get him to do is have a fun time with me.
At the skating ring, I asked is he misarable at the skating ring and he said yes. I almost said 'even with me here?'. But I already knew  that would be a 'yes'.
Now I feel like just saying, if you are tired.. Just don't with the date... you will just be misable the whole time. It didn't seem like he miss me. He texted me way before that he wish I was in his arms or he miss me kissing him, however he never hugged me really, or kiss me. Am I the only one who missed him?

May 5 2012

Collin was miserable at the skating ring. He kept looking at the phone in hope time would go faster. Didn't he miss me? Even at the fair where couples held hands left and right. He kept trying to make me let go of his hand. Eventually I did.
He finally got onto me about public affection, for some reason it hurt hearing it. I guess it is because I'm a very affection person. I tried to respect his bonderies and I never touched his hand or kiss his shoulder or cheek, however I never could smile. I had to keep my hands busy or they would grab his or hug him.
Gah! I am just like a puppy! If I don't get any love, I feel abandon...it sound stupid...but it is true. I told him I love him twice at the skating ring in a quiet voice but he never replied. It hurts.......
He cares too much about what people think. For me, I don't give a crap what other people thinks; I love Collin and I am going to show everyone who I love and what is mine. But...hearing him mostly just saying stop showing open affection in public; it mostly felt like he was saying 'I am embarass of you'.
I tried hard not to touch him, after that. I did pretty well... I wanted to cry, he felt so distant and emotional distant. It scared me. I don't want to lose him. But then he held my hand at the movies, I felt so happy, he was showing open affection. Was it for me? Did he realize I felt like crying? I felt happy. Then... We got out of the movies and he let go of my hand. I didn't grab it again or anything. He later told me in the truck the movie was not a public affention because that is what everyone does in the movies so it doesn't count as public affention. Then, I started wanting to cry. He didn't realize I wanted to cry before the movie. He did not show public affention to show he didn't care what other people think. He was still embarrass of me.
He keeps saying p90x, eat better, and less junk food. Does he think I'm fat? Does he want me start a p90x so I look better for him. Am I really that ugly that I make him embarrass? I always try to look pretty for him. Doesn't he realize that? I know I am not very pretty but I am trying.
I worry about him and everything but he doesn't worry about me at all. I fell on my ass so many times, and none of the times, he never attempt to help me up or ask if I am okay. I told about my back is hurting, but he never asked if I am okay or anything. I worry about him and everything! because I care for him and I don't want him to be hurt. If he fell, I would help him up and ask if he is okay. If his back hurt, then I tell him no to work too hard and I rub his neck.
Austin fucking felt me out right in front of him, but he didn't care to notice. Ummmm..... HELLO!? Brown hair, tall and very affention, he is my type in plain view, and Collin knows that! Austin asked me out before , and I said not but I was planning to ask him out before ever met collin before.
But Austin hugged me really tight so my boobs would be press against him and he breath in deeply. He does that to any other girls. Guys do that to girls they really like.Too tired to type right now. Body is aching

April 27

I'm getting a bit fatter that is because of the junk food and I'm depress. Its like I am forcing my self to eat or I'll just wont eat at all but at the same time I can only eat sugar nothing else would settle. I want to exceirse and look good for Collin but I don't usually have time. I have to bounce between school, work, sketchbook, homework, and dates with Collin. I rather have a date with Collin and spend all my time with him then exceirse.

You know what....I really miss the night sky... Collin and I date hours had been cut in half. I get to see him for 4 hours but the time that the driving takes up. It is slowly getting less at each date. I only got the last date longer because I try to keep his mind off leaving by attacking him with kisses. T.T does he really want to leave me so badly. Am I making him bored? I know he has to leave for dinner and his 90x thing but can't he just leave later? Can't he just eat dinner later and skip 90x so we can just see the stars again? I know this is a selfish request... that is why I am never going to request it. The last last date, I try to make the time I spend with him longer so I started untying his shoes. It gave me a couple more minutes with him but thats it. I want more time with him, again. But, again this is a selfish request so I'm not going to say anything about it to him.

April 27

Days like these, I feel alone, because I realize how truely alone I am.
People dodged or ignored me when I try to talk ,or they ram me in the hall so hard they leave bruises on my body. My english teacher started acting mean to me; she didn't say anything but glared at me. I did nothing wrong, in fact I asked if she needed any help because she was juggling things in her arms. Beginning of english, we had to pair up to go over answers...I knew no one, so I had to find a group to pair up with. When I tried to ask how they got that answer (or even try to talk to them), they ignored my existence except one girl.
Spanish...Well, EVERYONE ignores my existence daily as the guys around me talk shit about other girls. They all think I'm ugly, but thats CHS for ya. Mostly all the girls are beautiful ,so the scale for beauty is more higher. I'm like a 4 or 3 on their scale. I don't really make guy's eyes turn when I walk or anything. I am a no body. They acted even meaner when I started not wearing glasses and started wearing the leather jacket. They have NO reason to hate me, in fact I'm nice all the damn time!
Art class, I'm mostly alone ,and I know everyone in there ,but they never talk to me except Jay and Jeremy but she wasn't here today and Jeremy was reading his book. I tried to make friends with the other girls but they just glared and ignore me. Chemestry, I know only a couple of people. That was the only class I could get a couple words in but that it.
I felt like crying right when I got home. I feel alone. My depressing thoughts started coming back and stronger then ever. I just want my life to end already. I hate being alone.
God. Haven't you toture me enough with 10 years of loneliness? You already ruin my childhood growing up with loneliness starting since I was 2 won't you just stop it!
My sucidal thoughts keeps getting stronger and I already over my mood changes for the period thing. It sorta scares me that they are getting stronger. I want to text Collin and make him to come over. He probably would if I made him but he probably would start getting distanted from me thinking I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm lonely.
GAH! I'm panthic! I shouldn't want his hug after one day past. But he is the only one who would make me smile whenever he just looked at me. He doesn't know this.

April 26

 Boo and I ended long ago but I am the happiest I ever been. I met Collin, my cupcake. No secrets, no lies, no holding back my lovey side, no thinking 'What if he doesn't love me'. He shows me time and times again that he loves me. He smiles so bright at me and sometimes he hugs me like he is scared if he lets go that I won't be there.
  He told me about his painful past and he burst out crying too. I wrapped my arms around him letting him know I'm here and its okay to cry in front of him.
  He hate his feet because he has web toes. But I think its cute but that is because I think all his little faults are cute.
I hugged attacked him with kisses. I figured out he wanted to kiss me more if I teased his lips and stopped kissing him. He knows I was teasing him because I smirk at him. He became awesome at kissing as result I started to moan in his kisses. He figured out that I like getting dominated, for I told him. I am just like a puppy, his akachan puppy.
We are cheesy all the time. I'm so happy!
What makes me truely happy that no guy ever did for me... he opened his arms and let me in his life. He showed me off to his friends and family. He invited me to the food places that he was going to meet up with his friends. I got to go to his birthday party. He even said when he turn 24 he doesn't mind if I lived with him. He invited me to a comedine thing he got tickets for. Those future plans ease my worry heart and it shows he truely loves me with all his heart that he wants me in his life.
Collin wants to protect me with his own free will from the truly harmful reality of life. He would risk many things for me.
He said I brought back his real smile... I know that is true. And I intend to keep a smile on his face for I love him.
He says trust him. But I already do because I already intrusted my heart to him and I intrust everything I could intrust to him. Although it doesn't mean I can't agrue about it.
I love he and he loves I. I can't wait for our future together. I can't want for the time I finally get to wake up by him every morning.